September 8th, 2021 06:24 am | Cuttyhunk Island Artist Residency
December 30th, 2021 06:24 am — Quarantine Day 654
For starters, Happy Holidays!! I hope you are enjoying this time of gratitude and jubilation and leaning into a hefty overflow of oxytocin and serotonin from warmly embracing your loved ones, sniffing newborn nieces and nephews [I know it’s not just me… don’t judge!] and belly laughing with your closest friends.
In this post, I work through a lot of feels re the Omicron variant that is currently spreading throughout the US like wildfire and stomping on our holiday spirit like nobody’s business. We just spent several weeks celebrating, congregating, and turning up with friends and family [I was not joking about that oxytocin overdose btw lool]. My family is alive and well, we are safe and protected, good and loved, happy and healthy etc etc. #Gratitude. But also, we can’t ignore the elephant in the room. The coming days are looking bleak and we all, once again, find ourselves sitting in the discomfort and anxiously waiting in the uncertainty.
I’ve been up all night planning and goal-setting for 2022. Against all the odds I’m over here like “I want to visit fam here in Jan., ouu that festival there in Feb., wouldn’t it be cute to work remotely over there in Mar.?!” Not that I plan on being ig’nant and irresponsible in the coming days, just trying to keep hope alive and remain optimistic, you know?!.
But I digress, my brain is going at 1 thousand miles/hr right now, so here’s a bit of a life update if you will.
TLDR:
- Showing up is exhausting.
- Omarion has entered the chat, and he demands our attention.
- What now? Where do we go from here?
-Quarantine series is back and better than ever baby!!
Read other recent musings on Misadventures of Healing Black Girl, a digital journal that I started back in August.
Showing up is exhausting.
We usually lay for low the holidays- you know a cute little dinner, cut a cake for Leekah, then crash other people's festivities. Something felt different about this year’s holiday season, a renewed sense of hope after 2 treacherous years trapped inside. We longed to see, hold and be present with our loved ones once again and lean into that wholesome feeling of love, warmth, safety, and security.
For me, the past week have been: birthday dinner on Thurs., church on Fri., vision board party/movie night on Sat.. Then, church on Sunday morning, followed by 4hr-long dance rehearsals, preceding a youth conference in the evening. Then this week: celebratory team brunch on Mon., birthday group dinner on Tues., photoshoot and hang on Wed.. I was am exhausted. Last night, I shared with a friend that showing up this past week back to back like that just took a toll on me. She lol'd in my face and retaliated with "but, you're an extrovert!?!." Fair point, but I can't do the back to back like this. I need time to recharge in between. Showing up every single day this past week while running on bare fumes literally wore me out and I just need a moment to refuel.
One thing about me: I love my personal space.— I love my alone time. I'll def pick laying in bed and staring at my ceiling over going out any dayyy. This acceptance and longing for solitude is fairly new and I’m lovin’ it... [is this a sign that we gettin' old??] But I wanted to show up for my peeps. Also, I admittedly needed an escape from the *glamorized garbahhhje* that is my mental health rn. So I put on my brave girl face and headed out. For most of it my body was barely functioning -as I’ve literally been standing on my feet for 7 days straight- and another portion completely voiceless. But all that mattered is that I showed up.
I say all this to say that, earlier this evening the close family friend with whom we were just celebrating her birthday on Tuesday- literally a caravan of women and children pulling up to a resto on the other side of town- just shared a photo of a positive Covid test she took today. Bruh. It’s one thing to stay in the know with breaking news/updates from dif countries/cities and a WHOLEE nother thing when it hits this close to home. Over the past week, clients have been canceling shoots because they’ve been down and out all week. Coworkers are sharing news about how fast it’s spreading in their cities. Concerts are being pushed back to the end of 2022/early 2023, events are being postponed/canceled, travel restrictions are being reinstated, public spaces reinforcing strict social distancing regulations and I was coooool with all that. But this… I just- I cannot.
Omarion has entered the chat, and he demands our attention.
It's spreading like wildfire.— We’re all side-eyeing each other while waiting on standby. There’s been a weird feeling in the atmosphere that’s very much giving February 2020. Very "LOL, did you hear about this virus in China?? sucks to be them ha!… Right?? Anyways, let me go to this festival, party, concert, wedding... people who wear masks are weirdos...America, Land of the Free... bulk up on toilet paper... shower w our groceries when we come in the house..."-esce.
This is very much what Omarion is serving us rn.
The thought of us returning to that place that we found ourselves in back in March 2020 is simply horrifying.— I remember the very first couple of months of the pandemic where we literally hadn't the slightest inkling of what we were doing. And now almost 2 years into it, I can proudly and confidently say that… WE STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THE GROUP PROJECT!! Again, it's one thing to hear that the virus is spreading like wildfire in a major city a few hundred miles away... It's another to find out that it has entered your group chats.
As I look onward to 2022, I’m trying to reflect, plan, review and remain optimistic.— Hence the reason why I pulled an all-nighter to watch every yt video on *resetting your life for 2022* Jesus Adekunle Christ just hopped into his Uber Heaven and is coming through, the least I could do is have my Q1 goals set *chuckles in delusion and sleeplessness. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel like the Dec. 2019 Lynn who had all these grand goals and dreams of world domination, yet was completely oblivious to how the coming days would shift and take a different shape. [Lool remember when white people went mad and attacked the US Capitol 6 days into #NewYearNewMe?! fun times]
What now? Where do we go from here?
I’m not scared!…?! As scholarly as I can describe it... it just feels weird rn bro. From last week’s sense of “ha everything was fine, let’s link up and crash X’s Christmas party on our way to Y” to now “let’s rain check, things aren’t looking too well, my X came down with something, everyone I know has covid rn…” It’s just a very weird gray area that’s getting darker by the minute. Again, it feels like a retelling of early March 2020. When spring break was canceled and we were all excited to spend the extended week at home with our families. Just to wake up the following Monday and find out that “actually, we will be completing the remainder of the semester virtually. Y’all screwed lol. More info to come soon. Good luck with everything.”
This is particularly weird for me because my life is fairly independent and virtual at the moment. 1) I’m not in school 2) I work remotely- and for that, I am superrr grateful. But I just don’t know how it’s going to affect how I plan, envision, look onward to 2022. For example, January is looking really big for me. Major church events happening here at home, curated events we’re looking to host in the studio, possible trips visiting friends and family and working remotely in beautiful spaces, artist residencies and exhibitions in major cities. Ya don’t understand… I’M NOT TRYNA BE HEREEE!
I don’t know. Everything is everything at the moment.
Quarantine Series is back baby!
Throughout 2020, I did a quarantine digital journaling series thing. It can be found on my website under "the daily". That was the original journal that inspired MHBG. That’s where it all began. It served as an escape for me during a time when the world was so bleak outside and the four walls of my room were closing in on me on the inside. I was suffocating and my mind was going a thousand miles/hr trynna stay informed, trynna stay alive, and trynna stay calm in the midst of madness.
Writing was my escape.— After 10hrs+ of smizing in zoom classes, afternoons of braving face for my family, and nights spent tuning into every live protest, going down every Twitter rabbit-hole and shouting at every stranger on the internet that MY LIFE MATTERS TOO!… Writing was a peaceful meadow that gave me acres and acres of open space to be alone. To flow, let my mind wander, cry, grieve, feel my feels, sit in the discomfort, unpack heavy thoughts, and try to put words to different feelings that I was working through. I also documented my daily happenings, celebrated my small wins and breakthroughs, counted my blessings, dreamt big, and romanticized about a better tomorrow. When I tell you it was my saving grace!!!
Writing was a blessing in disguise that I figured had served its time.— I was ready to - and had moved on but apparently, we gon be here a while. So I am looking forward to allowing my writing to be my safe space and my peace again. My escape after a long day. A moment to breathe and work through the day’s happenings. A gentle flame burning strong through the darkness. A glimmer of hope at the break of dawn.
In the words of Jacob Banks, ‘I just wanna be alive in the new year.“
The rest will sort itself out in due time. In the meantime, stay safe out there kids. Hold your loved ones close. Make time for you. Drink water. Rest up. We gon be alright.
xLA
